against the odds
by js hamilton
Summary: After being sent to Dutch Harbor by her boss, Jules meets some new friends, only to find heartbreak and loss.
1. Chapter 1

so this is my very first time writing on here...please let me know what you think. I know it lacking a lot of Deadliest Catch crews, but I was trying to develop my characters a little. please review and tell me how I'm doing. and let me know if there are any mistakes. THANKS!!! :)

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I was standing in the airport, looking at the big board with all the flights, trying to find mine. They flights flipped so fast it took me 5 minutes to find mine. But there is was, my 6 hour flight, and that was just the first flight I had to take. The next flight was an additional 4 hours. Wow, I was going to be exhausted by the time I got there. After too many airports and no real food all day I finally stepped off the plane in Dutch Harbour, Alaska. It was July and it was a chilly, well chilly for me , 60 degrees. I found my hotel, one of three. I managed to lug all my shit in with only one trip. Once I got into the room I zipped open my suit case and pulled out the first hoodie I found. Better.

I asked the women at the front desk if she had any tourist brochures, she handed me a whole pile and asked if I needed any help. I shook my head and walked out the front door, camera in hand. Walked through the town, not a complicated task. It took all of 30 mins, that including stopping to tie my shoe twice. Stupid round laces, i thought to myself, then i wondered why anyone would make round laces. Hmph, something to think about.

I got to a spot where I could see the water, beautiful. I took of my lens cap and snapped a few pictures. I made my way down another street and found a bar/restaurant, the sign said open and I was starving. It was dim in there , my eyes taking more then a few seconds to adjust. When everything became clear, it was empty, almost deserted, like a ghost town, which was why I was here in the first place.

"can I help you?" a cute little blonde asked from behind the counter, she couldn't have been much other then me.

"the sign said you were open." I wasn't so sure if they were now.

"we are" she said, looking confused.

I started walking over to the bar and grabbed a seat.

"got a menu?" I asked.

Silently she handed me a menu. I'm sure she was thinking I was crazy.

"cheeseburger, fries, and a pepsi please"

she nodded and headed back to the kitchen. I sat in the quite for a long time before she said anything.

"tourist?"

"nope."

"really?!" she said surprised. "then what are you doing here?" she asked handing me my plate.

"my boss sent me, he wanted to see what it was like for smaller places that don't have much other then seasonal workers, was like without them here and then with them here. This is where he chose to send me. I work for a magazine."

"Casey" she said holding out her hand.

"Jules" I said holding out my right hand, using the left to shove a fry into my mouth. It burnt but I was too hungry to care, i kept eating until it was gone, all of it, then I moaned as it all hit my stomach.

"that was good, thank you"

"you're welcome." she said with a smile as she took my plate and placed it in the kitchen.

"so lots for you to write about huh?" she nudged her head towards the empty place. I giggled

"yeah, I should have brought some paper, not sure I can remember everything."

she laughed wildly, throwing her head back. I didn't think I was that funny. But hey I'll take it.

"so Jules, how long do you have to be here for?"

"well, until it picks up and dies down again, you tell me"

"well its only the end of July, so you have until October until the boats come in...." I already knew this, being a fan of Deadliest Catch, but I let her continue.

" then they come back and forth through the season for different reasons" this I knew too. I had been watching since the first episode aired.

"right, I've seen the show." I confessed to her.

I must have sat there talking to Casey for hours, when I left it was dark, I was thankful that this place wasn't very big. I made my way back to the hotel and crashed into my bed, before even changing.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

It was mid September, and Casey and I had spent a lot of time together. Both at the bar and outside of it, she was one of the few people I had met, who was 1) my age and 2) female. Most of the residents are male. A lot of our time was spent playing with the bars new karaoke machine. She was amazed at my voice, I blushed and stopped singing. She begged daily for me to sing , sometimes I did but never if there was anyone else in the bar.

At the end of September and early October I had started to see things pick up, boats were starting to fill the docks and there were more and more men. After I had spent the day sleeping, I got up around 3 in the afternoon and made my way towards the docks, camera and laptop in tow. Most days I took my laptop with me to the bar, I would work(occasionally) on articles I was sending to my boss at home.

I opened the door to the bar and was staggered by the ability it had to house that many bodies. And that much smoke. Wow. I squeezed my way through the droves of people. I got to the bar and Casey was lit up like a little kid on Christmas. She told me she loved this time of year when all the 'boys' as she called them, came into town.

I found a empty stool and sat. Casey, smiled and yelled to me.

"how's this for a story?" she smirked at me and continued pouring drinks. I smiles and patted my bag.

Since there was no room for me to work, I handed Casey my bag and she put it in the office for me. She handed me a drink without me having to ask for one, part of our routine. It was then I noticed that, besides Casey, I was the only women in the bar, and I was being watched from every corner. I was surprised at how that made me feel. Confidant. There was a couple of guys up singing, butchering, a song so badly I wasn't even sure what it was.

"wow, maybe that karaoke machine wasn't such a good idea." I yelled to Casey with a laugh.

" they have been up there all night" laughing in between words.

"oh boy" was all I could think of to say.

"CASEY" a yell from across the bar, scared the shit out of me.

"who's you new friend?" a nod towards me.

"everyone this is Jules" she announced to the entire bar. A bunch of hellos over lapping on another and some waving ensued. Then Casey decided to be funny.

"and she's single." Great, thanks. I looked at her, she smiled and winked at me. I didn't know what to do or say.

A collaborative "wwwooooooooo" filled the room. This was going to be an interesting night.

I swallowed the rest of my drink, which was about half of it, slammed my glass on the bar, and demanded another drink.

"bartender" I yelled. Casey turned around laughter filling her face.

"drink" I called. And she produced a drink laughing the whole time.

I got called over to a table full of guys, some I had seen on the show, others I hadn't. A chair was pulled out for me.

"Jules. Right?"

"that's right."

"you like the grateful dead?" one of them asked skeptically. I was wearing a grateful dead tee shirt.

"indeed, I do."

"name three songs" I was challenged, which I never back down from.

"from which album who you like?" I quipped back.

"lady's choice"

"then no one album, just songs" he nodded to give me the go ahead. It was like the queen had just walked in or something, everyone was quite and waiting.

"touch of grey, shakedown street, high time." the room erupted with oh's and ah's. I had just impressed some people with nothing more then my musical knowledge. They were in for bigger surprises then that.

The guy next to me, one I had seen on TV, Josh Harris exclaimed

"damn. Girl, I didn't think you were gunna pull that off. Most girls don't know much about music except for whatever's on the radio."

"I'm not most girls" I said. Simple as that.

The guy who challenged me, Paul, bought me a drink, to show he was a good sport about it all. The guys razzed him all night, getting beat by a girl was apparently unacceptable. I was gleaming. So I sat there with them , and answered as many of their questions that I wanted to. Casey came over to the table to make sure the boys were being nice to me.

"you should sing" she blurted out.

"no, I'm good" i said

"you sing?" josh asked. Damn now i was going to have to sing.

"yes." shit, shit, shit.

"well get up there and sing us tune." he told me as he pushed to the stage, with a devilish grin.

I picked my song,and stared singing. The whole room stopped moving, stopped talking. And all eyes were on me. I kept my eyes down so I couldn't see anyone. As I neared the end of my song, I could hear a few whispers starting. The room almost burst after i stopped singing, from all the clapping and hollering. I blushed ten shades of red and stepped off the stage.

I got back to my table, my seat had a new full drink waiting for me. I drank the whole thing without stopping.

"that was really good" Jake spoken to me for the first time, I think it was the first time that night. I didn't think much of it, he was more laid back and chill then anyone had ever seen before.

"thanks" I muttered. Looking into the bottom of my glass.

"do you sing often?"

"sure, in the shower" I joked. He laughed. His smile was infectious. I had always thought Jake was cute, but in person it was intense. A few guys had gone to other tables and there was a free seat beside me, Jake slid into it, and put his arm on the back of my chair and leaned into me.

"you're cute" he whispered in my ear. I laughed out loud.

"you're drunk" I stated. He started to protest, but then realized I was right.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

The next afternoon, I headed back to the bar to see Casey. And retrieve my laptop. I walked past all the boats and saw everyone working hurriedly. How they worked like that after the night before I didn't know but the next time I was talking to them I would ask. I knew I was in no shape to work. As I was walking towards the bar, sunglasses on, my hair not completely tucked under my beanie, and my converse's squeaking with each step, I looked a mess. And all that would have been fine, if I hadn't heard my name called from across the street. Shit, was my first thought. And my second was I was excited to hear that voice. I turned to see Jake, running across the street.

"hey" he smiled and it was impossible to not smile back.

"hey yourself"

"hurting?" he asked in an amused voice.

"some of us can't drink our own weight in booze." I nudged him, he laughed.

"well, are you going to be there again tonight?" he asked sounding hopeful.

" you want to tell me I'm cute again" I looked at him in a teasing way, he sorta ducked his head

"well that wouldn't be very original , if I told you that last night." smiling slyly. I giggled.

"I'll be there"

"it's a date" he smiled and off he went.

I was sitting at the bar, waiting, but not admitting to waiting, for Jake to walk in, everyone else from his boat was here. Josh came over.

"he's still 'getting ready'" he made air quotes. I laughed.

And then the door opened and he walked in. Jeans, sneakers, a long sleeved white shirt, a hat, and the cigarette hanging from his mouth. I was in trouble.

Jake sauntered over to the bar standing next to me.

"hey" he said

"hi" I smiled and blushed just a little. I hadn't been on a date in awhile. A long while. But was this really a date, in my mind it was, but what if he didn't think of it as a date. I needed to stop thinking and just go with it. He sat next to me and Casey handed us each a drink. We sat there talking for what seemed like an eternity. That was until the guys started coming over and teasing Jake. He asked me if i wanted to go for a walk. Alone time with Jake, I was in.

We ended up on the dock , looking over the water, naturally. I stopped when I seen the water, it was beautiful and eerie all at the same time. Jake stopped beside me.

" what are you thinking?"

"how unpredictable the water is" I answered looking over to see his expression. He looked surprised at my comment. Just then he lend in and kissed me, I kissed him back. His tongue parted my lips, and tangled with mine. My hands gripped at his shirt, twisting it. He pulled me closer. I could have stayed locked in that kiss all night. But my conscience got the better of me.

"Jake" I manged between kisses. I started to pull away. He stopped kissing me. Damn.

"Jake. I can't" I said breathless, it was obvious that I wanted to.

"okay" was all he said. We went back to the bar and had another drink, this time with all the guys. I had blown it.

He left the next day, he had said he'd see me when he got back, but there was something in his voice that made it hard to believe. I wasn't going to sit around waiting for him or moping about the stupid thing I had done. I continued to work. The weeks passed and I thought about Jake and the rest of the crew often.

When they came back he acted as though nothing had ever happened between us. That was fine, I was getting really good at blocking things out. Like the cold. February came and it was time for me to leave. Casey threw a huge party at the bar, and I'm pretty sure everyone in there bought me a drink. I shed a few tears and the guys all laughed at me. Jake sat there and never said a word.

"he wants to talk to you, ya know"Josh whisper yelled to me. My eyes must have said a million words, because Josh gave me a push in Jake's direction.

"if he wanted to talk to me, he's plenty of chances." I told Josh coldly.

The next day I was on a plane home, and I was hungover. Not the best combo. I got back into my old routine easily. My girlfriends picked me up at the airport and grilled me for all the details of my absence. I gave them every detail I could, told them that the guys were just as hot in person as they were on TV. My life continued much the same as it had in Dutch Harbor, only with less boys and less drinking. Who was I kidding it wasn't the same at all.

I talked to Casey every day. She told me all about the bar, and how the guys were doing. She always made a point to tell me that Jake looked miserable. That made me feel better and worse, I wanted him to miss me, but I didn't want him to be miserable. I had let my mind wonder and was thinking of him one day(something I tired not to do) and I asked myself, why would he even miss me? He hardly knew me. I couldn't be that important. the phone rang.

It was Casey, she closed the bar early, odd for her, she told me she was ill. I talked to her for a bit and then told her to get some rest and I would call her in the morning and see how she was doing. It sucked being so far away and unable to help out. When I called her the next day she sounded awful. She was sick for almost 2 weeks, and of course other then 3 days she was still at the bar. The next time she called she sounded so much better, she told me she felt like a million bucks. I was happy she was better.


	4. Chapter 4

ok this is chapter 4 and I need more reviews please. I have the whole story written , but I want to know what you guys are thinking. is it good, bad whatever all opinions are appreciated. thanks :)

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CHAPTER 4

Casey called me. She sounded awful.

"what's wrong Case,?" I asked worry filling my voice.

"I'm sick , Jules. Like really sick." she told me through broken sobs.

"how sick?" i held my breath and awaited an answer.

"I have to go to Seattle to get treatment in the hospital there." I let out my breath. Casey was possibly my best friend, so there were no questions.

"when do you go to Seattle?"

"I'm already here." she said sadly.

"i'll be on the next plane." I had no idea what I was in for and I still didn't know what was wrong with Casey.

I got into Seattle that night, I had to take the red-eye. I got my luggage and headed straight for the hospital. I stopped at the front desk to ask where Casey was, the nice young man there took me to her room. Odd I thought, but didn't say anything.

I walked into the room to see Casey, looking fragile and pale. Something was defiantly wrong, she wasn't her normal glowing self, usually she looked like she just got back from vacation, all tanned and glowing, not today tho, she was as pale as, well I'm not sure I had seen anyone this pale before. Her hair looked like straw, and her lips were chapped. She quite literally looked like death, that thought sent chills over my entire body. I shivered. Casey, opened her eyes and half smiled at me, the best seh could manage.

"hey" she said weakly. I smiled and walked over next to her bed. She started to tear up, as she explained everything to me.

" I have this really rare blood disease, they don't know how to help me yet, nothing they have tried seems to be working, it only makes it worse." I sat down and let the tears cover my cheeks. We didn't say much else, i just sat there holding her hand trying to think of something I could do.

Visiting hours were over and the nurses were ushering me out of the room, I didn't protest, Casey needed her sleep. So there i stood outside of the hospital, in Seattle, with my luggage, not knowing anyone, and then it hit me , I pulled out my phone and scrolled down until I found the right name.

"hey, I needed your help"


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

twenty minutes later, a familiar voice called my name.

"Jules" the sound sent my body and mind into overdrive immediately. I turned around with my red rimmed eyes and mascara running down my face to see Jake getting out of the car to take my luggage. I silently got into the car. He got in, drove to his place not saying a word. This was awkward to say the least, but he was the only person I knew in Seattle. When he pulled up to the house, I just sat there and looked at him blankly.

"what are we doing here?"

"you need somewhere to stay, don't you?"

"well, yes, but a hotel would have done the trick, Jake"

"I thought maybe we could talk." Ah, the real reason I was at his place.

"right now?" I asked my voice going an octave higher then I wanted it to.

"why not?" he asked oblivious to what was going on with Casey. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep breaths to calm myslef before I started speaking again.

"Jake, Casey is really, sick, I mean she might die sick" I choked on those last words. He was surprised when I told him this.

"oh" was all he said.

"you thought I came to seattle just for you?"

"I was kind of hoping"

I burst into laughter. It wasn't what I meant to do, but I was so stressed about Casey, that thought seems ridiculous to me.

"apparently, I was wrong about you" I spent the next 3 hours convincing Jake I didn't mean to laugh at the thought. He wasn't buying it. He showed me to m guest room, and said goodnight, but I couldn't sleep. I was too worried, about Casey, about what was going on between Jake and me. I was a mess.

I found my way around the kitchen, and started baking cookies, at 4 am. Well at least if I wasn't sleeping I could do something productive. Jake stumbled down the stairs about 15 minutes after I started.

"jesus, you scared the shit out of me, I thought someone was trying to break in." I laughed

"nope, I couldn't sleep so I had to do something to stop from lying there thinking about Casey." he nodded and there stood there quite for a minute. I took the chance to look at him, boxers and nothing else. He put his hand through his hair, and pulled out a chair

"want to talk about it?" he asked sitting down.

"cookie?" i offered. He shook his head. I shrugged and took the next batch out of the oven. Once he realized this talk was going to be longer then 5 minutes, he stood, made coffee, and went to put on some sweats and, to my despair, a shirt. I told him what little info I had about Casey's condition, which wasn't much. It was then he asked.

"why wouldn't you let me be with you when we where in Dutch?" and there it was, the question I had been trying to avoid. I sat squirming in my chair, biting my lip and I started my to open my mouth 4 times before any words actually made their way out.

" I was scared to get myself involved with someone who I would have to say good bye to. Relationships, haven't been real lucky for me and I didn't want to hurt myself by letting all that happen and then not see you again for god knows how long" that sounded better in my head.

"I would have come back for you" he said hanging his down but looking up at me through his lashes.

"Jake, I really can't talk about this right now, there's too many others things going on."

"sure" he mumbled as he stood and walked back up the stairs. I stayed at the table and cried.


	6. Chapter 6

So... I realized that I probably should have edited and spell checked before i uploaded..oops! I added something to Chapter 3, a friend of mine told me it needed something. PLEASE REVIEW. :D

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CHAPTER 6

the next morning after Jake got up, Josh had called and I answered the phone.

"well hello there sweetheart." he said genuinely happy to hear my voice.

"what are you doing in town?"

"Casey is in the hospital, she's real sick" I told him in a somber voice. Jake took the phone from my hand.

He finished talking to his brother and hung up. I got ready to go back to the hospital. Jake hadn't spoken to me yet, and I was pretty sure he wasn't going to.

Both Jake and Josh joined me in Casey's hospital room that day, she slept mostly, but when she was awake, she was really trying to be herself. I talked to her doctors and they had told me it wasn't looking good. I was gone for a half an hour, before Josh came looking for me. I wasn't hard to find, I was slumped against the wall outside of Casey's door.

"you okay?" Josh asked bending down.

"no" I whimpered. He looked scared, and like he didn't like crying girls, boy was he in the wrong place.

"I don't like it when girls cry" he told me

"then you're not gunna like whats comin" I sobbed, putting my head in my hands. Josh left. I felt a hand on my back and breathing next to me. I didn't need to look. I just turned into his body and wrapped my arms around him. The doctor came over and asked to speak to me about Casey. I held Jake's hand the whole time, afraid if I let go , he would leave me. The doctor told me she about a week left, so I should start making arrangements, like it flowers or something.

I had a hard time going into Casey's room after that. She told me one night, we were allowed to stay after visiting hours now, who could it hurt, that she wasn't scared and it would be okay, and not to be sad for her, which in turn only made me more sad. I was sitting there in her room that same night looking at some old pictures of Casey and I in Dutch, and it hit me. I knew what I could do for her. She had no family, and her only friends were me and the 'boys' as she called them , I called Jake and Josh and told them I needed their connections. The three of us spent the next 2 days on the phone trying to find everyone. It was a lot of work but we had found everyone and sent them all plane tickets to Seattle.

I had a nurse help me decorate a small conference room so that we could throw a party.

The day of the party, Casey actually looked like she was getting better, though we all knew she wasn't. Her hair was a bit shinier then the last couple weeks, and her skin even had a subtle glow to it. I had helped dress Casey that day even though she would be sitting in her wheelchair all day. I wheeled her down the hall and into the room. We opened the door and her face lit up.

Everyone hollered at the same time, making the nurse beside me jump a little. All the guys had made it and we had transformed the small room into the bar Casey knew and loved. I made sure the tables were low enough for Casey to mix drinks, I knew she wanted to feel at home. And from the smile that never left her face that evening she did. There were no tears that night, just smiling, laughter and good friends together one last time. Casey died early the next morning, with a smile still on her face.


	7. Chapter 7

I know this one is short, but it seemed wrong to add anything to it..I don't want to upload more until I get some feedback so if everyone who read this could leave a comment that would be great. thanks!!!!

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CHAPTER 7

I left the hospital that afternoon after filling out all kinds of paper work. With my eyes so puffy I could barely see. Jake carried me to the car. When we got to his house, I was in shock. He sat me on the bed, and started to walk away.

"stay" I whispered. He looked back at me.

"please." I looked up at him pleading. He turned around and sat next to me. He put his hand out and I took it without thinking. We sat there for a very, very long time. I just stared into the nothingness I felt inside. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I snuggled down into him. My hand finding it's way to his leg. The next thing I knew I was kissing him. And he was kissing back. I took off his shirt, and ran my hands up his body, waist to chest, and around his neck where my hands locked, soon wandering to run through his hair. He unbutton my shirt, and slipped it off kissing every part of me as it became exposed, my neck, collar bone, shoulders, cleavage, breasts, stomach. His hands slid up and down my back caressing my skin with the softest of touches. I undid his jeans and they fell to the floor. He shivered with anticipation. Our breaths were mirrored in each other, out and in together. He unzipped my jeans, and slid them down my legs uncovering my hidden tattoos, and a black thong, that matched my bra. We laid down on the bed, him hovering over me, not saying a word, incapacitated by the moment. He skillfully took off my bra with one hand. Grabbing and kissing each breast one at a time. I moaned with pleasure. He smiled, just slightly. He continued down my body, kissing each inch on the way. He slipped off my thong and slowly, slid his hand between my legs. I traced my finger along the inside of his boxers, he let out a heavy breath. I threw his boxers to the floor. It was quite except for the sound of our breathing, both the same, but different. Hot, heavy, rough, painfully erotic. He laid down beside me, both of us breathless, and fulfilled. He tucked his arm around me and for the first time in a week, I had a peaceful sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

I woke up alone. I threw on a shirt and some shorts, went downstairs. There was a note on the table.

"sorry." was all it said. Well now I was sad, lonely, and confused, it was going to be a long ass day. The phone rang, startling me.

"hello?"

"hey" Josh said with a little sadness to his voice.

"Hey, Josh, Jake's not here, I'm not sure where he is, sorry." I said annoyed, but not with Josh.

"I wasn't looking for him, I just wanted to see how you were doing" he clarified.

"oh, well, I'm okay I guess." I wasn't lying I was handling Casey's death rather well, today. But I wasn't okay.

"feel like some company?" he asked.

"sure some on over" i told him.

"be there in 10" and he hung up.

"okay bye" I said into the empty receiver, rolling my eyes. I hated it when people just hung up.

He showed up exactly 10 minutes later, I was impressed, he had it down to a science. He laughed when I told him that.

Later that evening Jake strolled through the door. Surprise crossed his face when he saw Josh and I at the table, eating supper. He gave me a look, handed Josh another look all together, and walked past us. Josh looked at me, I shrugged. Josh went after Jake, who was on the back deck. I watched tentatively from the house. Jake, yelled at Josh, Josh looked confused. I heard Jake tell him to leave. Josh just shook his head and left. He smiled at me through the window on his way to his to his car. I opened the back door

"what the hell was that all about?"

"why was he here?" he asked me

"he was making sure I was okay, and making sure I wasn't ALONE." I yelled the word at him, he winced when I said it like a knife had torn into his flesh.

"I'm sorry." he said not lifting his face to meet mine.

"yeah I got that from your note." I turned and walked back inside. I cleared the table, and did up the dishes. I left him a plate on the counter, where he would see it , so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I went upstairs and closed my bedroom door loudly, as if to convey the words, "leave me alone" without actually speaking them. I didn't see Jake again until the day of the funeral. I was a complete mess. I couldn't even think straight, it was a bad day. He knocked on my door.

"can I come in?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"sure" I said through my tears.

"oh, Jules." he sighed when he saw me.

"I can't do this. She was my best friend. How do I say good bye to my best friend?" I asked him expecting an answer, though he thought the question was rhetorical.

"well?" I prodded.

"um...." was all he managed. He sat there watching me get ready, when I was ready he offered me his hand, I took it. Without another word, we headed to the cemetery.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

I managed to hold it together the whole day. Until we got home, Jake, Josh and I. That's when I unravelled. Jake helped me change, and Josh set up some drinks at the table. I got so drunk I couldn't see straight and frankly, I didn't care.

Jake woke me the next morning, I was hungover. Damn. He sat with me, while I wallowed for a day, but then I had to move on , and I had to talk about us.

It was late, and he might be sleeping but I couldn't sleep with this nagging at me. I opened his door just a crack.

"Jake, you awake?"

"yeah" he answered.

"can I come in?"

"I guess"

"We need to talk ..." I trailed off

"I know."

"what's going on with us?, why one day are you so nice to me and the next , you avoid me like the plague?"

"I..I..." he stuttered.

"thanks, that was explanatory. Goodnight. " I joked. He smiled. So did I.

"I think..I think I might." he paused took a deep breath, and then continued.

"I might be falling in love with you, and I've never had that before. I don't know how to feel or how to act, or what to say."

I was shocked, now he wasn't the only one at a loss for words.

We sat in silence for what seemed and eternity. When I finally spoke, my voice was shaky, at best.

"how can you say that?" I asked him. The look on his face was pure shock.

"what do you mean?" he asked me, confused.

"you have hardly even talked to me, how can you say something like 'I think I'm falling in love with you', you don't even know me." the words cam out in a rush, and sounded harsher then I intended.

"you can leave now" he said simply.

"Jake, don't be like that. Let's talk."

"I have to get up early" was all he said, looking away from me. I turned to wake out of his room

"I'm sorry" I muttered. I was getting really good at pushing him away. I packed my things that night, and left first thing in the morning, without a word to Jake. I did call Josh and said good bye to him. He begged me to stay, telling me I was more fun then anyone he knew. I laughed and told him I had to get back to my life. He drove me to the airport, helped me get checked in, and then made me promise to come back and visit him. I promised.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

I went back to work, friends and my life I had left behind. It was all normal and happy, except something was missing, or rather someone, a couple someones. I missed Casey everyday, and every minute. I missed her sense of humour, and her bright blue eyes telling more then her words ever could. I missed sitting in that dirty old bar for hours on end, talking about everything and nothing all in one. I missed the smell of the sea air. I missed the sights of the mountains and the wildlife. I missed all the gruff fisherman I had now considered an extended family. As funny as it sounds I missed the smell of stale smoke lingering in the air. I was twisted. And I longed to feel that twisted again.

Days went by like months and my life seemed to go on around me, I was no longer living , just existing. I was miserable. And all it took was the ring of my phone for all that to change.

"hello?"

"hey, there sweetheart." my face light up instantly.

"JOSH!!!!!!" I yelled into the phone, I had never been happier to hear someone's voice, though I could think of one that would exceed this feeling.

"I was thinking you should come visit, it's been months and I miss you "

"aaawwww..." I teased.

"I will see if I can get some time off work."

"good, because I kinda already bought you a plane ticket" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"well then I will find a way to come"

"I knew you would."

"Josh?"

"yeah", he knew what I was about to ask.

"how is ..." it was hard for me to say his name, I missed him too much to think of often. If I didn't think of him then I couldn't hurt.

"how is Jake."

"I'd like to lie to yo and say he's fine, but..."

"I'm sorry." was all I could say. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks.

"alright, so you see if you can get the time off work and let me know, k?"

"alright, I will check tomorrow"

"cheer up sweetie, I love ya."

"yeah me too" and we hung up.

I couldn't get the time off work, we were swamped and my boss couldn't afford to let one of his writers go right now. Great I thought to myself. I was more depressed then ever.

A few weeks later my phone rang at 2 am. WTF, I thought as I reached in the dark for the phone beside my bed.

"yes?" I answered, annoyed.

"Jules?" the voice on the other end of the phone work me up in a hurry. It was Jake.

"Jake, what's wrong?" that was the only reason he would be calling this early.

"Josh was in an accident. He's in the hospital."

"I'll be on the first flight" I said without thinking and hung up the phone. I didn't care about work, or the cost of a last minute ticket. Josh was like a brother to me and if he was hurt I was going to be there.

I packed a bag, brushed my teeth, grabbed my stuff and left.

I called my boss from the airport as I argued with the women at the counter over things that really didn't matter to me. I just wanted to get there. My boss told me not to worry about work and that I could do all my work via email. That's when I realized I forgot my computer. I would get one when I got there. I waited for hours for my flight to leave. Finally I was on the plane in the air, I fidgeted nervously, surely driving the person next to me damn near crazy, but I couldn't help it, I had no idea how bad it was.

When the plane landed I was shocked to see Jake waiting for me.

"hey" I said sleepily.

"got luggage?" he asked

"one bag", he nodded. And walked towards the baggage claim.

" why are you here?" I asked, catching up with him.

"well someone had to come get you." he told me as though he was angry about it.

"I could have taken a taxi" I said quietly, feeling like a burden to him.

"Josh would have loved that. He'd wake up and bitch at me for letting you take a taxi" I smiled a little knowing he was right. I was Josh's little sister and he would do anything for me.

"right"

As we drove to the hospital, Jake told me what had happened. Josh had been hit by a guy running from the cops, through a red light, he was also hit by the cop cars that followed. In total his car was hit by 5 others. When we arrived at the hospital, Jake got out of the car and waited for me, grabbing my hand as we walked in together. He was very good at sending mixed signals.

I walked into Josh's room with caution, I was scared, his room was just down the hall from where Casey's had been. It was all bringing back too many memories. I sat beside him, holding his hand, staring at Jake across the bed. We said nothing, and we never left.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

4 days later Josh woke up, 3 days after that he was allowed to go home. I stayed at his place, taking care of him. Jake was there everyday, and I wasn't sure if that was for me or Josh. This was a good thing, Jake saved me from having to help Josh in the shower. A month after he had come home he was fully recovered.

"I wish I hadn't gotten better so fast" he said looking sad

"huh?" I asked, super confused.

"well, now you're going to go home" now it made sense.

"I do have a life there ya know"

"I know, but I like having you here." he smiled.

"and I like being here, but Josh, let's be realistic, I have no job and I can't keep sponging off of you"

"well if the only issue is a job, let's find you one." he said as he unfolded the paper.

"I can't just move in here with you."

"why not?" he asked

"well......." and I really couldn't think of a reason why.

"exactly" he said, gloating.

He was right, I had no reason not to stay, or well move in. No reason except for Jake.

"what about Jake?"

"what about him?" he asked not really caring.

"well, I need to talk to him before I do something like this."

"what is up with you to anyways?" he asked, confused by ...whatever we were. I shrugged. I had no more insight then he did.

I went over to Jake's that afternoon, he was happy to see me as soon as I stepped out of the car.

"hey, babe." he greeted me with a smile. Odd. Usually he was reserved, and never happy to see me, not since that night.

"hi" I replied as cheerfully as possible, I knew this wasn't going to go well. When I got close enough he kissed me. Surprised and intrigued, I kissed him back, big mistake. Well it was a mistake only because my plan had been not to want o kiss him, let alone act on it. I could feel it in my toes, and I became a hostage of my own body, it was like it had a mind of it's own. My hands were around his neck before I had time to think about stopping them. I grabbed a handful of his hair and twisted my fingers through it. He gathered my shirt and raised it up my back. The cool air made me shiver, but I wasn't cold. The heat that raced through my body was overwhelming. I could feel my knees start trembling. Jake must have felt it to, without breaking our kiss, he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He stepped back into the house and closed the door, pushing me up against the other side of it. He put my feet back on the ground, though it never made a difference, every time we kissed I felt like I was lifted off the ground, he took off my shirt and pinned my hands above my head with only one hand. He traced his fingers down my chest and stomach, reaching my belt, he slowly, undid it and my jeans watching my face the entire time. His eyes could see my deepest secrets, and I loved that. He pulled my jeans to the floor. I grabbed the pocket of his jeans and pulled him into me, kissing every inch I could reach, and then some. He pulled on the strap of my bra and it broke, I couldn't have cared less. My panties dropped to the floor. His boxers already there. He once again lifted me up. We didn't stop when the phone rang. We didn't stop when we couldn't breathe, we didn't stop when the window in the door broke. The world around us didn't exist.

As I got dressed, I realized how much harder I had just made this. He pulled me onto the couch with him. I tried to snuggle into him , but I was thinking to much and sat up.

"Jake" I started, "I need to talk to you."

"what is it, my love?" I took a deep breath and blew it out in one big huff.

"Josh asked me to move in with him, ya know to help him out still"

Jake sat up, and took his arm from around me. He didn't say anything.

"what did you tell him?" he asked.

"well, I told him I needed to talk to you."

"you can do whatever you want."great. Exactly how I knew this would go.

"Jake, please don't be mad."

"I think you should leave." he was kicking me out.

"if that's what you want" I stood and walked out, taking one last look at the broken window.

I got into the car a drove back to Josh's. I came in, in tears.

"didn't go so well?"

"you could say that" I half laughed. What a joke that was.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

I moved in with Josh the next month. I had gone home for a month to tie up my loose ends and pack. My boss had put in a good word for me at the local paper, so I had a job waiting. Good thing, there wasn't much to choose from otherwise. It took me only a couple days to get settled. Josh was ecstatic to have me there, he said it was nice to come home and someone be there, and I would cook most nights, he was especially grateful for that. I also did laundry. The two of us went through more laundry then I thought was possible for two people.

"I have a date tomorrow" he told me one night at dinner.

"with who?"

"this girl I met last week"

"so......."

"so....." he said with a slick smile.

"yeah what a coincidence, I won't be here tomorrow, until ....late?" I said sounding more like a question.

"that's be great" he said still smiling and a little embarrassed and kinda apologetic.

"It's okay, I get it, a girl won't be real happy with you having a female roommate."

"thanks" he said.

Now what was I going to do. The bookstore was open late.

"can I have a car?" I asked him.

"of course, you can always take a car when you need it, or I need you to have it." he chuckled.

I wondered what Jake was doing and if he would talk to me yet. But Josh and I never talked about Jake, it was an unspoken rule.

I spent the next night at the bookstore and Starbucks, until he called me to tell me it was okay to go home.

"how'd it go?" I asked getting out of the car, smiling. He just smiled.

"well, I had a fulfilling night too, I got two books and then one free."

"OMG are they still open?" he asked, mocking me. I slapped him on the way by. He came in behind me.

"Jake, called tonight." he told me just as causally as if he was telling me the weather for tomorrow. Not wanting to talk about Jake I asked

"did he interrupt you?"

"he asked about you?" he said ignoring me.

"Josh, I really don't want to talk about Jake, he knows my number he could have called me himself."

"you're right, he could have, but he doesn't think like that."

I shrugged.

"I'm going to bed, I have to work in the morning. Goodnight"

"love you" he called after me.

"me too" .

I started spending a lot of time at the bookstore. When was Josh going to tell his 'friend' that his roommate was a girl, was me.

"Josh, I'm getting tired of having to leave on the nights you need a piece of ass, I want to go to bed and sleep, I'm exhausted at work the next day." I complained to him when he said he had yet, another date, the third this week, and it was only Wednesday.

"what about her place?" I asked, hoping that could work.

"she lives with her parents" he informed me.

"then you need to tell her, because I'm not leaving tonight. I will stay in my room but I'm not leaving again."

"okay, okay" he said getting defensive.

Around 8 pm there was a knock at the door, in sweat pants, a tee shirt 2 sizes too big, glasses and fuzzy slippers, I opened it.

"hi, I'm Emily." she greeted me holding out her hand.

"Jules" I shook her hand. And motioned for her to come in.

"JOSH!" I yelled up the stairs.

"be right down."

I stood in the kitchen waiting for the water to boil, trying to think of something to say. I had nothing. I turned to smile at her.

"he takes longer to get ready then I do." she giggled. I wasn't lying. At that moment Josh came flying down the stairs. Thank god, the awkward moment was over. There was another knock at the door. Josh looked at me, I shrugged.

I opened the door to find Jake, and some girl on the other side. My heart dropped.

"Jake, what are you doing here?" Josh asked, scared of my reaction.

"what. I can't visit my brother now, just because she" he gestured towards me" lives here?" It was going to be a long night. Poor Emily was so far out of the loop, I envied her.

"Jake, you've obviously been drinking, just go home" Josh told him.

"so she matters more to you then I do?" he was drunk all right.

"just go Jake." Josh said again.

"I want her to see that I don't care about her." he was pointing at me, in case no one knew who he was talking about.

"believe me Jake, I know you don't care. thanks for the update though." I turned and walked upstairs. I made it all the way up before the tears welled over. I had only been upstairs for a minute when there was a light tap.

"I'm fine, Josh go back to your date." the door opened a crack.

"are you sure?" asked a quiet, sweet voice. I looked up to see Emily standing in the doorway.

"I'm fine, really, sorry to have ruined your night"

"I think the only person who's night got ruined was yours." she smiled at me.

"please come downstairs, I don't want you to be up her all alone after that."

I got up and walked downstairs with her. Josh came over to me, wrapped his arms around me whispering in my ear.

"he was drunk, don't take it to heart, you know as well as I do he doesn't mean it" I knew he was just trying to make me feel better, but I didn't know what was true. He let me go and walked towards the fridge,

"what kind of sad is this?" he asked, Emily looked to him confused.

"totally twisted." that I was. I was in love with a man who had no idea how to be in love with anyone. And I held out hope on a daily basis that he would figure it out, oh and I lived with his brother. Yup, I was totally twisted alright. Josh handed me the pint and a spoon. Emily smiled.

"do this often?" she asked.

"not usually over this, just a bad day a work mostly, but it's the same thing." I told her.

"are you gunna tell me now, what it is between you two?" Josh asked.

"ever since that first night we met in Dutch"

" we.... we aren't anything."

"you might not have a label but you are defiantly something." he said, Emily nodding beside him. She had just met me, and had only seen Jake and I together like that, how could she nod. Was it that obvious to someone on the outside?

"yes that other girl looked like WE were something for sure." I said rolling my eyes.

Josh, Emily and I sat up all night talking about Jake, and me , and us, if there was an us, there wasn't in my mind. And I don't think there was in Jake's either, he had made that clear.

Josh announced,

"we're having a party Friday."

"we are?" I asked

"yup." he said with a matter of fact tone.

"is he coming" he knew who I was talking about.

"I told him about it, he is my brother." I nodded


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

The house was full of people I had never met before, that didn't matter to me, I had my drink, I was happy. I had met some of Emily's friends she had brought. The music was loud and I was dancing when Jake came. I ignored him. Emily told me that there was one guy who had been watching me all night. Because I had my liquid courage with me all night and was feeling brave, I went and flirted with him. Josh came and got me.

"excuse us." he said pulling me away by the arm

"what are you doing?!"

"what?" I asked confused.

"with that guy."

"well I may be slightly intoxicated," he rolled his eyes at the understatement, but I'm pretty sure I was flirting, wasn't I?"

"yes, but why were you flirting"

"because I want to and I can"

"okay" he said and let me go. I went back to flirting. The guy was flirting back. I saw Jake after 10 minutes. Girls hovering around him. I seen him look at me. I touched the guys arm and leaned in, getting close to him. Jake went outside. When he cam back inside, I was sitting at the table playing poker.

"want to play, Jake?"

"yeah, why not? My night can't get any worse." he looked at me. Jake and I had it out for each other from the time he agreed to play. Talking started at the table. I never looked away from Jake. He never looked at me. Finally after I had taken everyone's money, Jake asked

"can we talk out back?" looking at me.

"sure, I guess so." I stood, wobbly, without another word, and the room fell silent. Emily went to Josh, who stood and walked to the door with me, protective.

"I'm sorry about the other night" he told me before we had even closed the door.

"yeah" I was angry and he wasn't getting forgiveness that easy.

"I don't know how to feel this way about someone."

"well you could feel like not dating someone else, that would be a good place to start." I started to walk away, back inside. He followed.

"I'm scared of this." he paused." you're not scared of anything"

"I'm scared of how intensely I feel for you, I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of never feeling again the way I feel when I'm with you." the room was unmoving.

" I have loved you since the day I saw you" he almost whispered." and you don't care."

"I don't care, Jake, really. Look." I lifted my pant leg to expose my ankle, there was a tattoo, 09/29. the day we met. He looked at me with wide eyes.

"it's always been you Jake, even before I met you, it was you," he walked up to me, put his hand on my face, wiped away the tear that had escaped with his thumb. He pulled my face up to look into my eyes.

"I love you."

The room was noisy again, though I didn't hear anything. My world had stopped. I was stunned, and confused. Why would he have shown up with another girl, why did he tell me he didn't care, why was he so mean to me about it. My head was spinning, and it wasn't from the drinks I had had. Jake was watching me cautiously, he must have thought everything was okay, because he grabbed my hand and smiled. Well I had news for him, everything was not okay, it was complicated at the very least. I took my hand out of his, not knowing what to think, he looked at me and I just said.

"I'm sorry" and walked up stairs to my room.

First Emily came up to ask me what was wrong

"isn't this what you wanted? To be with Jake?"

"I wanted to be in a relationship with him, not for him to declare his love to me in a room full of people." she nodded, understandingly.

"Emily, I really appreciate you coming up here, but I really need to be alone to think" I told her with a smile.

"it's okay, I understand." she went back down stairs and not 2 minutes later Josh was peeking in my door.

"can I come in?" he said closing the door behind him.

"since you're already here, I suppose so."

"Jake left." I turned to look at him.

"I need to talk to him though..." Josh looked at me like I was crazy.

"what?" I asked in mid sentence.

"you thought he was going to stay after that, he told you he loves you, in a room full of people and you walked away"

"I know what happened Josh, I was there, very involved."

"look, I just want you guys to figure it out, everyone has already figured it out, just the two of you are blind."

"what are you talking about?" I asked. He left the room, and returned in less then 30 seconds. He handed me an envelope. My name written on the outside. I looked at him completely confused. He

nodded towards the letter. I opened it, and began to cry instantly. I recognized the hand writing. It was from Casey.

"she told me to give it to you when you needed it, she told me that I would know when that was." he said quietly. He sat beside me, his one arm wrapped around me for support, I was going to need it. I began to read.

"Jules, from the day you walked into my bar and my life, I knew you were a remarkable person. You have unmatched charisma and charm. From that first night I knew you had passion and love. Strength and talent. Trust and honesty. But you were sad. Then Jake walked in and I saw the look on his face as soon as he seen you. It was love(and maybe a little lust). His eyes lit up and he was alive again, more then I had seen him, ever. And then you seen him, and had the same look he did. There was a connection there before you two ever spoke a word to one another. Don't break that connection, make it stronger. I knew Jake well, and he may be difficult, but he is worth every ounce you give. Don't give up on that. You were more beautiful after meeting him. And he became more level headed after meeting you. I love you always, I'll be watching, Casey. xoxo."

I sat there reading it over and over again. How did she know this was going to happen. We must have sat there for an hour or more, silent.

I looked up at Josh, who was already holding out his keys, I grabbed them and my phone and raced downstairs, and out the front door, pushing anyone who got in my way to the side. I needed to find Jake. I called him multiple times. No answer. Of course there was no answer, he didn't want to talk to me, but that wasn't going to stop me.

I got to his house and saw his car in the driveway. Good he was home. I knocked. No answer.

"what could you possibly want now?" he said, scaring me half to death.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jake." I yelled, startled, trying to catch my breathe.

"what do you want?" he asked sounding annoyed.

"I want to talk to you" I answered so low I was surprised he heard me.

"why?, let's just call it what it was, fun and be done with it, with each other."

" I don't want o be done with you. I'm sorry I just didn't expect you to say those words to me."

"what words? 'I love you'?" he asked, he was mad.

"yes, those words. You haven't been real clear on the subject of us since the beginning, Jake, what am I supposed to think?"

he sat there, in the dark, silent. I was starting to worry he got up and left when he spoke.

"you were supposed to want me that night in Dutch." he almost yelled towards me.

"that's what this is all about, a bruised ego, get over yourself, Jacob Harris." I went to storm down the stairs but I tripped and fell. I got up and walked to the car in tears. He never moved or spoke, he just watched me go.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

I spent one week in bed. Not caring. Emily had convinced me to shower and eat two of those days. Josh had told me that I needed to get over it. Not much help he was. It took me a full month to get back to feeling 'normal' whatever that was for me. We never spoke of that week. I was working and going out with my new girlfriends every chance I got, I flirted with every guy that reminded me of Jake. Attempting to fill the void. I never seen him anymore, he never came over when I was there, if the phone rang and it was him and no one else was there to answer, I would let it go to voice mail. I wanted to forget he existed. After months of hook-ups and unsatisfying sex, I decided I was done. I wanted Jake, and only Jake.

The following day when the he called I answered.

"hello?" I tried to sound casual.

"hi" he was surprised.

"is Josh home?" he spoke slowly, cautiously.

" no, him and Emily are out, do you want me to tell him something?"

"can you just tell him I called?"

"sure" and then he hung up. It took hours for my stomach to untwist. I paced waiting for Josh to get home. When he finally walked through the door, I almost jumped on him

"I did it! I talked to Jake" I announced proudly.

"you did?!?!, about what?"

"well, nothing really, he called for you"

"that's what you talked to him about?" he was smirking, making fun of me.

"hey, it's a start."

"why not have him over tomorrow for supper, that would be a start."

"well, when you call him back, you can ask if he wants to come" I said smiling. After Josh got off the phone, he smiled at me.

"he's coming"

"REALLY????" I was so excited I couldn't breath. And butterflies was an understatement.

"yeah.....but,"

"but what?"

"he thinks you won't be here." the butterflies disappeared, a gnawing took over. I felt sick.

"why does he think that."

"well I didn't tell him any different and he didn't ask." I looked worried.

"don't worry I'm telling Emily to come too." he continued. That made me feel a little better at least Josh and Emily would be there.

I was so nervous you would have thought I was meeting the Queen or something. I changed a hundred times, did and re-did my hair three times, and it took me over 20 minutes to pick out an eyeshadow. This was a bad sign. I wasn't ready. I was in the kitchen when I heard a light tap and the front door opened. I took a deep breath. Terrified. He came in. He looked at me, and then back to Josh asking the question everyone knew he was thinking, with only his eyes. Josh came into sit at the table. Jake followed. As they walked in I dropped the spoon in my hand, splattering sauce across the floor. Everyone just looked at me, I smiled nervously. Jake looked up at me, with the saddest expression I had ever seen. That was the first time I had seen him since he said he wanted nothing to do with me, and he looked awful. Tired. Sad. Lonely. Confused. All the things I felt, but hid rather well. I turned around before anyone saw the tear that had escaped. I wiped it away and grabbed another spoon. Dinner was awkward, and unusually quiet. I wanted to crawl into a hole and only come out once this nightmare was over, how could I have suggested this. I was loathing myself for making this hell.

I did the dishes, and everyone else went to the living room, talking filled the house for the first time that night. So it was me holding everyone back. I wouldn't go in the living room, I would just slip upstairs and leave them to have a good night. It was never going to work out between Jake and I anyways. I finished the dishes as Josh called to me

"hey, do you want to watch this movie?" I walked into the living room

"no, I think I will just go to bed."

"come watch it with us." Jake had spoken to me. I stood there, un-speaking, not acknowledging anything, mesmerized by the sound and tone of his voice.

"okay, I'm just going to go change." I said finally, after being prompted by Emily's nodding head. I walked up the stairs, and changed, my head in a fog. I put on cute little shorts and a long sleeved shirt. I was glad I had shaved my legs that day. I came downstairs and Emily was making popcorn. I grabbed a bottle of water and went to take my seat on the couch. Jake came in from outside and sat next to me. Close enough that as he sat down our arms touched, I felt the spark of electricity flow through my entire body. The butterflies were back. I had to work on controlling my breathing. I started to blush.

"sorry" he whispered in my ear. That set those damn butterflies into a frenzy. Emily and Josh came in with popcorn for everyone but me. Jake handed me a bag of sour patch kids, my favourite. I smiled, and looked at him confused.

"I know you don't like popcorn." he explained. That's why he was outside, he had left to go get me those, while I was changing.

"thanks." I said looking into those eyes, that could see every one of my secrets.

"sure" and he turned his gaze to the TV. I watched the movie, mostly, but I was also watching Jake from the corner of my eye. He was doing the same thing. About three quarters of the way through the movie Josh stood and told us he had to take Emily home. She stood and smiled at me. No, no, this isn't what I wanted. Don't leave. But they didn't see that my eyes were pleading. He told Jake to stay and finish the movie asking if I minded. And so Jake stayed.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

The movie finished and left us sitting there, in dark, in the earsplitting silence. We both started to talk at the same time. We smiled at each other.

"what have you been up to?" he asked me

"working lately. You?"

"same."

The silence was back. And it was killing me, there was so much I wanted to say to him, but I couldn't take the chance of scaring him away, I just got him back. And he wasn't even mine. He stood up to leave. I didn't want him to go yet, it had been so long since I had felt this happy, I wanted it to last, I wanted to remember everything about him, in case he didn't come back. He left just before Josh got back.

"so....." he was smiling. This had been part of his plan all along.

"what?" I asked.

"what happened?" he was still smiling...he knew something.

"nothing. We finished the movie and he left."

"you didn't talk?" he asked, confused.

"no..... what do you know?"

"nothing" he spoke too quickly for that to be true.

"JOSH!" I yelled at him. He just smiled back.

"all I know is that he's miserable, and he wanted to be happy, so he needed you for that." I was shocked, I didn't think he was miserable. But I had never asked and no one had ever said either so really I had no idea.

" I thought he was happy." I said sort of to myself though out loud.

"he's never been happy without you. You've never been happy without him." I looked at him surprised.

"you thought you were hiding it well huh?, not so much." he told me.

"I really thought after that one week I was doing a good job at keeping it to myself."

"you were, for anyone on the outside. I hated the way you treated yourself. I wanted to make you stop. But there was nothing I could do. I even tried to get Jake to talk to you. But he was to hurt and angry to care, at the time."

"I hate that I've hurt so many people." tears rolled down my face. Josh wrapped his arms around his arms around me hugging me so tightly I could barely breathe.

"just go talk to him, make it work. You guys are some of my favourite people and I hate seeing you guys like this." I nodded slowly into his chest. He released me and pushed me towards the door.

"you want me to go now?" I asked

"yes, I want you to go now before you have time to think more about it and talk yourself out of it." he knew me so well. I walked to the door and turned to look at Josh.

"go" he said.

I walked out and stood there in the dark. Jake was still there. Outside, on the deck, waiting for me. I stopped in my tracks and smiled to myself, no doubt this was also part of Josh's plan. I would have to thank him later.

I sat down beside him on the small step. Our arms touching.

"Josh asked me to stay. He said we _needed_ to talk."

"yeah to told me that too." it was quiet for a long time before I looked at him and started to talk.

"Jake, I don't know where it all went wrong for us, but I want to fix it." he looked at me. I continued.

"when you wouldn't talk to me anymore, or anything, I went crazy and I was sad, and lonely and I made some really stupid decisions."

"me too." he half smiled at me. I looked at him, my eyes searching his for some answers.

"it's never going to be easy, Jake."

"I know that." he was still looking me in the eyes. I forgot how to breath for a minute.

"I'm leaving next week." I already knew that. Josh was getting ready to go too.

"I know"

"I don't want to leave, not knowing what's going on with us." that one little word made my stomach do flips. I couldn't speak. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe.

"I love you" I blurted out without thinking. He smiled, obviously please with that.

"I love you too" he kissed me. Hip lips warm, soft, passionate and wanting. His hands were on my cheek, and neck, pulling me closer. I was engulfed in him. His scent, his feel. Everything about him was magnified. He was amazing. He stood up and took my hand, walking to the car. I got in and we drove to his house. He held my hand the whole way. Every once in awhile lifting it to his lips. This is what real love was like. Incredible. The feeling couldn't be described, you had to feel it for yourself. We spent the week together, inseparable, we never left his house, and hardly left the bedroom. I didn't want him to leave so soon after I got him back, this time he was mine, and I was his.

As we stood in the airport a week later,I hugged Josh and told him I loved him and to be safe. I looked at Jake, the worry already setting in.

"be careful and come back to me."

"I promise" what a ridiculous thing to say he couldn't promise that, but I would let him try to comfort me. I hugged him and kissed him like it was the last time. And it could have been. He only let go of my hand as he walked away. He was leaving and fate willing he would be back. Against the odds.


End file.
